There's no way to fill in the Gaps between my last post and the current one.....

It's so confusing between being content in/with God and realizing that there is nothing more selfless than loving another person and humbling as them loving you back.

life. too much at times.

All summer there have been crazy things happening and much healing God revealed to me at the end. Many good conversations and alot of head knowledge that needs transposed to heart knowledge.

I have trained myself to be realistic and sometimes I think I am too realistic and need to just realize that the biggest and best things in life don’t make sense and that’s ok, as long as I don’t miss it.

and now i'm just trying not to skrew everything up.....

Once again I look upon the cross where You diedI'm humbled by Your mercy and I'm broken insideOnce again I thank You, Once again I pour out my lifeThank You for the cross, Thank You for the crossThank You for the cross my Friend

DANCE

The last two days were so much fun with Bekah. I love her! Quality time as always.
So Saturday night a group of us went up to Willow Creek Church. I was disappointed in the service as a whole, but there was a part he read from another pastor’s sermon that was something I’ve needed to be reminded of. Especially with the disarray that comes like clock-work at the end of each semester, as well as just life in general by the situations that arise. I’m not even going to attempt quoting it, though. It was basically twenty simple truths, stated point-blank
I think so many times we hear something and instead of thinking “that’s a truth I tend to overlook”, we think “that’s so cliché and I’m tired of hearing that, therefore I won’t allow it to relate to me”. But why does something have to be profound and new to make an impact? Our society tends to be unaffected by things that do not arrive calamitously.Don’t live in the past; Don’t live in the future; Live in the present; Live right NOW. LIVE: the first of many definitions is "to remain alive"I don’t want to just remain alive. I don't want to endure life. I want to embrace life, all of it. I think we tend to live with the mindset that feelings are overrated and that we should live by our heads not our heart and emotions. With this I think there is truth that we need to take hold of, but so many times I think we are so afraid of life's difficulties and we put up barriers. Instead of guarding our heart we too often build up a wall around it and we lose the ability to really live and experience life.
Why are we so afraid to let ourselves be loved? By our family, by our friends, by our significant other, by God, and even by ourselves? Why are we afraid of pain when it can be so beneficial to who we are and how we are growing as a person? Why are we afraid of the truth? Of God's truth, of our reality, of honesty; Many of us would rather live in blissful ignorance that may temporarily shelter us from those things that are hard to accept, but in return cheapen our quality of life. Either that or we stew in our own misery because we are afraid of the changes we have to make within ourselves. We’d rather be miserable than change, and this is where I think we lose our real selves in the effort to hang onto it/us. "I don't want to think about life anymore, I just want to live life"
Grieve and grieve well. Love to the point where it hurts. Don't be blinded by pride, and don't see humbleness as weakness. Laugh until your stomach hurts. Cry until the tears stop and your body shakes itself to sleep. Be the friend you want to have, and forgive other's failures at the realization that, despite what you want to believe, you are nowhere near perfect. Allow yourself to feel life completely. Embrace pain and allow yourself the time to heal. Embrace love for everything that it is, and don't do real Love the injustice caused by the contamination that selfishness blindly causes. Don't be afraid of Change, because that denial implies that we see ourselves as perfect and sends us down the painful road of pride.
"Everybody has to change, or they expire. Everybody has to leave; everybody has to leave their home and come back so they can love it again for all new reasons. I want to keep my soul fertile for the changes, so things keep getting born in me, so things keep dying when it is time for things to die. I want to keep walking away from the person I was a moment ago, because a mind was made to figure things out, not to read the same page recurrently….And so my prayer is that your story will have involved some leaving and some coming home, some summer and some winter, some roses blooming out like children in a play. My hope is your story will be about changing, about getting something beautiful born inside of you, about learning to love a woman or a man, about learning to love a child, about moving yourself around water, around mountains, around friends, about learning to love others more than we love ourselves, about learning oneness as a way of understanding God. We get one story, you and I, and one story alone… It might be time for you to go. It might be time to change, to shine out.”
“There is a serenity in life, after all, and once a withdrawal is felt at having left the lies behind, a soul begins to feel at home in its own skin…thanking God for beauty and for rest and thanking Him for something better to believe."
"Life is a dance toward God. It’s time to learn how to dance in a new way.”


Quotes from Donald Miller's Through Painted Deserts

ehh the new year
i always hate this day. a few years ago my friend was killed on new years eve, on her way to a party. drunk driver ran a stop sign and T-boned them and jolted her body in such a way to instantly snap the artery off her heart and she died instantly. Hardly bruised her at all though- she had an open casket and had no apparent cuts. Ever since i'm a nervous wreck knowing that all my friends are out driving and stuff. i just prayed that everyone was safe and was relieved this morning with no bad news.

i just sat at home with mom and watched movies. knitting by the fireplace. completely relaxing. it was crazy with my family this week. i loved every bit of it though with tons of people running around like crazy.

new years resolutions. havent thought about them. the typical lose weight i guess. but isn't that always everyone's resolution. lol. clearly i just get fatter every year haha. jk.
i think what i would like to see when look back upon 2006, would be that i lived less for myself, more for others, and more for God. That my prayer life became stronger. nothing is more important and rewarding as the giving of yourself and i hope in this upcoming year i live less selfishly, and get rid of more of the clutter in my life. i think that would be the biggest success, and this is what i pray for myself and all of you.

happy new year
may it be filled with true joy through pain
may you never lose heartand may you never lose sight of what God has for you
and all that you can do when you lose sight of yourself

a REAL post

this was a recent post on my xanga:::: it doesnt really seem like christmas though, and it's less than a week away. kindof dissapointing. it seems like no one is into the christmas spirit this year. last year my friend and i had our RA unalarm the door at 330 in the morning so we could go out in the very first snow and dance in it. the whole school had a snowball fight fom 9pm to 3am at the first big snow. all of us girls would sit around knitting scarves for people and watching christmas movies. we had christmas parites, and went up to chicago, and dance around to christmas music. not this year. where are you christmas, why can't i find you. is this just a part of getting older or is the season really just being shoved under the buisiness of life. i miss being young, and playing in the snow all day, seeing who could make the best snowman, or the coolest fort/igaloo. and making tracks in the snow and getting mad when a sibling beat you to the fresh snow and it's all smooshed. or tackle football in knee high snow that is glazed over with ice until 2 in the morning. sledding at warren dunes in huge tubes and getting that thrill when you are flying airborne and getting ready to hit the ground again. then comming home and mom yelling at you for making tracts on the clean floor and getting hot coco and sugar cookies and then sitting down and playing a game, or watching a movie. falling asleep next to the crackling fireplace with all the christmas lights on and my dog right next to me. waking up an hour before school and sipping home made hot coco in front of the christmas tree lit in the dark room and looking at all the old orniments we made, or that grandma made us. getting snowed in for two days. yes i miss that. and when i get home it will be after christmas and everyone goes back to work, including myself. *sigh* i'm ready to be home though. and make post-chrismas cookies with my dad. anyone else kindof bummed about the holiday..or lack of maybe?

And i started thinking about it. I put so much emphasis on the feeling of christmas. the snow, the activites, the lights, the fireplace, the family time, giving gifts, etc. but that's not what it's about. I kindof was dissapointed, especially that no one else seemed to be getting into the season and that was discouraging, but so many good things have happened too. It has been a great break and a good reminder that holidays, and life, isnt about things like traditions. Traditions can't go on forever and eventually i'm going to be awkward with the change. But what really matters is the constant relationship with God and I need to not become lazy with that. Just because i'm on a break from school doesn't mean i'm on a break with God too. And it's been a good reminder that moment by moment, even when life and circumstances become dissapointing, to just keep going and not finding my joy in things like traditions, but seeing God in that and experiencing true joy.

Also, On the way home from church the other night I was listening to a CD of some of my favorite love songs and I realized that I didn't even have anyone in mind while singing those songs. you know-don't lie- you hear a song, it reminds you of someone, or you "dedicate" it to- that someone in your heart, and you hear it on the radio and it takes you back in time to that dance or that one summer night when you were out side under the sky but the car windows were down and you were listening to the radio, and you relive those experiences briefly, whether good or bad. And for me some of the songs had those re-living thoughts, but I was so thankful that I wasn't sappily thinking about anyone, but more the future. That one guy that is out there somewhere [hopefully] waiting as I am for God to cross our paths.

Olivet and just college in general puts so SO much pressure on the whole relationship/marriage thing, and I was thinking about the whole Christmas banquet and proms etc. and how those days are such a big deal and girls are running around frantically all day before to look perfect and crying over silly things that they've been stressing over all week as they try not to put too much hope in the future plans/possibilities they already have made up in their heart with the person they are going with. Or they feel like it's the end of the world because they aren't going with someone and they have to see them with the one person you can’t stand. Why can't we just be content in who we are while single? it's like some people can't function outside of relationships and they kill themselves over it. I’ve been there, I know. I’ve wasted so much emotion on some guys. but i'm so thankful that God has just given me an enormous peace over the last year [esp] about being content in him and just waiting for his timing and perfection. we as girls have been trained by society to chase boys. well girls, that's not how it's suppose to be- they have it too easy, and then there's no appreciation. Guys like the chase and girls want to be pursued, but girls are impatient and guys are lazy. not to generalize but that's how it seems a lot of the time.
We are always rushing towards what we think is going to be better and we want it now, when those things take time to be perfected. I know that I don't want to be impatient and be content with what's good because I was too impatient or didn't have enough faith in what God has been working on for me and the plans he has for me.

I want someone that is SOLD OUT for God. Someone who will put God before me and push me in my Christian faith as well as just who I am and my character/consistency/integrity, continually challenging me and wanting me to be a better person. someone I can encourage as well and respect and submit to and serve out of unconditional-committed love. That's not just something that happens within a month or two years of college due to our sexual desires. That’s a refining, constantly growing and changing process that we are either too scared of or to lazy/selfish/impatient to do. I think sometimes we let people crash our dreams when it comes to marriage and stuff. not to say that it's fairy tale perfect, but it is suppose to be so much more fulfilling and meaningful than that that we settle for because we are afraid of being alone or feel undeserving. I just want to be able to offer all of me to my husband (after God) and I know that right now that requires the sacrifice of fluke dating. it's so much more than the sexual purity that gets so much emphasis. heart, mind/emotion, and body I want to be able to say that I’ve waited. I need to be one with Christ before I can ever, EVER consider another person in that equation.

It will be beautiful. It will be passionate. It will be painfully real. blood, tears, and sweat. because it will be of God and that's never all rainbows and butterflies, it's brokenness and self sacrifice.

amazing how God answers prayer
i wish there was a way to see all the details

i'm nervous about passion becaue the person i'm going with i don't even talk to much any more and the other girl i dont know. i hope it isn't going to be too awkward. i'm good at getting alont with people but when you are rude to my best friend that just doesnt fly with me so i dunno we may be having a chat

i like how i am pretty much posting for myself, ha!

i am so ready for classes to be done
the week after break i'm just going to be chilling with one of my best friends on campups for a week before going home. it's going to be relaxing and so amazing. i'm stoked!

i'm excited for passion too, less than a month away!